Dear Diary,
Many things have happened since my walk of shame in the market place. I am still not accepted into this society but I do have my freedom which is good. I live with my daughter Pearl in a small cottage and survive off of my needling service. My daughter Pearl is an odd one, sometimes I wonder if she really is my daughter or if she is just possest by an evil spirit that has taken her over. She is a curse and a blessing all in one body. She has something not right about her but she is my child and I will love her no matter what.
I am keeping a secret from everyone, who this childs father is. I refuse to tell anyone because no one should have to face the tortue I have to on a daily basis and if he is not honorable enough to confess to his crimes then to heck with him. Besides I think I am better off raising this child by myself because my daughters father is a sinner.
Sometimes I cry when my daughter is not looking. Sometimes iI just cant keep it locked away I mean wearing this scarlet letter on my chest is a constant reminder of what I have to face everyday yes but when I am at home I feel to seek refuge yet cannot accompish this because my daughter is also a constant reminder. I just want to scream sometimes and let it all out but what would that do, just make people more skeptical of my motherly ablities or just convince them even further that I have gone insane. In my life you just cant win.
I have to be strong for my daughter and myself otherwise they win and I cant let that happen. Letting them win is like showing them im guilty and I diserve what I am getting. Sometimes I doubt whether this is reality or just a dream. I mean could people be so cruel and unreasonable. Am I the only one who is guilty of this crime in this society. That is a question I ask myself alot. But in this time and age religion is law.
It seems that now a days all that keeps me remotely comfortable is gardening and sowing I guess when I am gardening it distracts me from reality and it helps me realize that not everything in life is gray. The vibrant colours of the flowers I plant I envy for they have freedom to grow and have everyone see their beauty. while my life will forever stay the same where the people only see the red of the scarlet letter on my chest. Pearl seems to be mesmorized, by it I just dread the time where she is old enough that I will have to explain it.
Now I must go for I have things to do and people to see. It seems like this diary will be my parter, friends and family besides Pearl.
Love H.P
